Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Something I could never whinge about: Fiona Apple.

That's right. Her new album Extraordinary Machine is being released on the 4th of October 2005. After months and months and months of speculation surrounding the unreleased album, the saga has finally reached a happy ending.

Extraordinary Machine, Apple's third album has been in the works since 2002. I have loved Fiona since I was 18 years old, and have been eagerly anticipating this new album since then. In 2004, while trawling the internet for any sort of news, I discovered that there were two leaked tracks from the album. Extraordinary Machine and Better Version Of Me. I quickly 'acquired' these tracks and played them until my cdrom drive sizzled with overuse. Soon after this, three more tracks from the album were floating about the internet. Get Him Back, Used To Love Him and Not About Love. I had five tracks from Extraordinary Machine. I was ecstatic! Soon after this, the last six tracks trickled into my lap like a pie with too much sauce on the top and when you bite into it, the sauce drips all over you, but you don't care because the pie is so good. That's exactly what it was like..

I had every single leaked track from Extraordinary Machine, and the only think I was left wanting for was a release date, some sort of news, and to know what the hell was going on. For over a year, that little thought niggled away at the back of my mind. Tidbits of appetising news came in sporadically, but never any formidable jaw-dropping front-page sort of information.

Until three days ago. When through a reliable source, that I have never spoken to but I know has the same love and admiration for Fiona that I do, posted a link to a site that had ringtone downloads.

To be continued...

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Stupid Heath Conscious Society

While watching the news last week they had a story on new standards in healthy eating that they wanted to introduce into supermarkets.

The campaign talked about giving foods labels that represent how much you should be eating of that particular sort of food. The label would implement a traffic light system to determine which foods were best, and which well.. were rubbish and bad for you.

Green - Eat all the time
Orange - Eat only moderately
Red - Eat never.

Tell me geniuses, with these red foods, if they have a label that says you shouldn't ever eat it, then who the hell is going to buy it..?

Stupid corporate wankers.

The Grudge.

Ok, so I have had an issue with this film for quite a while now.

And weeks and weeks of this issue was basically me refusing to watch it. I admit, I was too scared. I hid in the bedroom whenever somebody put it on.

Today, finally, I decided to bite the bullet and face my fears.

What a load of bollocks this movie was. It was as predictable as my nana's daily trip to the shops to buy custard squares and milk for her tea.

The 'scary' creatures in this film were asian zombie/ghosts wearing foundation designed for albinos and about as much eyeliner as your local 15 year old girl who's been experimenting with goth culture.

You know generic horror is at it's best when Sarah Michelle Gellar is the hero, and when faced with impending doom, always comes out on top, hair and make-up like she just walked out of well.. make-up.

This coming from the person who damn near had to change pants after watching Harry Potter.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

While I'm on the subject.

Rubbish music offends me.

It makes me wonder where the world is going and if our species has really evolved a heck of a lot.

One example I would like to provide is: Destiny's Child - Cater 2 U. As per usual I have condemned the song from the get go purely for the fact that it's called 'Cater 2 u'.

This song in it's entirety is based upon the idea that women are purposely put on this earth to want to serve men.

The proof is in the pudding:

Let Me Help You
Take Off Your Shoes
Untie Your Shoestrings (Note that shoelaces doesn't rhyme, so they've used frozen chips instead)
Take Off Your Cufflinks (Yeah)
What You Want To Eat Boo? (Yeah)
Let Me Feed You
Let Me Run Your Bathwater
Whatever You Desire, I'll Aspire
Sing You A Song
Turn The Game On
I'll Brush Your Hair
Help Put Your Do Rag On
Want A Foot Rub? (Yeah)
You Want A Manicure?
Baby I'm Yours I Want To Cater To You Boy

Now it could just be the bitter feminist rage that broils in the pit of my stomach, or it could be the fact that this song portrays women as having nothing better to do than fulfill mans every freaking will.

And the line that sums up the song: "I'm Here To Serve You"

What inspiring and empowering role-models Destiny's Child are to adolescent females. Your only purpose in life is to make man happy. Pfft..

Well fuck man. If man wants food, he can damn well get it himself.

I was never one for patriotism..

Yet, this takes the proverbial fucking cake.

For years I have cringed at the 'music' that this country has spewed forth onto my television. By 'music' I mean anything on C4 Select.

This afternoon I was watching C4 Select and a song called 'Freak In The Club' came on. It was pathetic.

With that, I give you this:

"JCK is a breath of fresh air in a genre stooped in tradition. They fly in the face of the typical Hip Hop image while remaining true to the groove. This is sexy music, with a touch of danger, catchy choruses and clever lyrics, paired with hyped, danceable Hip Hop beats".

My translation:

"JCK is a poorly replicated version of a mediocre Hip Hop band from Harlem. They fail miserably in the face of the typical Hip Hop image while simultaneously writing (unlikely) incredulously trashy lyrics that lack anything imaginably original, intelligent, catchy or poignant. In fact I can't think of any words more than two syllables that could describe it. This is not something to listen to if you're fond of your precious braincells. Ugly broads with oversized sunglasses and little boys as white as my ass only add to the hilarious joke that is JCK."

I am offended New Zealand. Horridly offended.

Here is a picture of Scribe. New Zealands embarrassing answer to Tupac. I couldn't find a picture of JCK because they haven't infected themselves fully into New Zealand culture yet. Why this man had the indecency to call himself a scribe is beyond me. A scribe is a writer, a journalist or a person who inscribes. Meh.